Change your Behaviour

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Be assertive

Being assertive means taking control and advancing your own needs and aspirations whilst remaining aware of the wishes of others. Assertiveness helps to manage stressful situations, and will in time help to reduce their frequency. Lack of assertiveness is often a function of low self-esteem and low self-confidence, factors that aggravate stress levels and can turn even relatively benign situations and events into potential crises.

The key to assertiveness is verbal and non-verbal communication. People who cannot adequately communicate their needs or wishes will create various problems for themselves. For example, the person who cannot say 'no' to others' requests is likely to be overwhelmed by external demands; the person who finds it difficult to express personal feelings and thoughts will lack self-fulfilment and not be comfortable with his or her own identity; an overly aggressive style of communication will prevent an individual from forming close personal relationships.

We all display different degrees of passive, aggressive or assertive behaviour, at different times and in different situations. Problems arise when a particular response is unhelpful for a particular situation, and we find it difficult to change to a more appropriate style of response. Improving assertiveness is about learning how to extend the range of our communication style to allow a greater flexibility of responses in different situations.

It is important to acknowledge that we are all equal and have the same basic rights (see Assert your rights below). Being too passive means denying one's rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs, and allowing others to violate oneself.

A passive person may express thoughts and feelings in such an apologetic, self-effacing manner that others can easily disregard them. Being non-assertive means allowing people to walk all over you, denying the validity of your own needs, and surrendering control over a situation to others. This leads to stressful feelings of anxiety, powerlessness, frustration and anger.

Being assertive involves standing up for your personal rights and expressing your thoughts, feelings and beliefs directly, honestly and spontaneously in ways that don't infringe the rights of others. Assertive people respect themselves and others, and take responsibility for their actions and choices. They recognize their needs and ask openly and directly for what they want.

If they fail in these efforts, for whatever reason, they may feel disappointed, but their self-confidence remains intact. They are not reliant on the approval of others. Useful verbal and non-verbal assertive skills include the ability to:

o Establish good eye contact, but do not stare. o Stand or sit comfortably without fidgeting. o Talk in a firm steady voice instead of rambling or shouting. o Use gesture to emphasize points (hands, facial expressions, body posture). o Use statements such as 'I think', T feel'. o Use empathetic statements of interest such as 'What do you think', 'How do you feel?' o Be concise and to the point. State clearly the message you want the other person to hear.

The more you stand up for yourself the higher your self-esteem. Your chances of getting what you want out of life improve greatly when you let others know what you want and you stand up for your own rights and needs. Expressing negative feelings at the appropriate time avoids the build-up of resentment. Being less self-conscious and anxious, and less driven by the need for self-protection and control, you will be able to manage stress more successfully, and to love and appreciate yourself and others more easily.

Assert your rights:

  1. I have the right to express my feelings.
  2. I have the right to express my opinions and beliefs.
  3. I have the right to say 'yes' and 'no' for myself.
  4. I have the right to change my mind.
  5. I have the right to say 'I don't understand'.
  6. I have the right simply to be myself, and not act for the benefit of others.
  7. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's problems.
  8. I have the right to make reasonable requests of others.
  9. I have the right to set my own priorities.
  10. I have the right to be listened to, and taken seriously.

Any of the above can be personalized: if your boss asks you to work late at short notice, then by rights 3 and 7, your decision may be: T have the right to refuse this unreasonable request, I should have been given more warning

Get organized

Ventilation

Being chronically disorganized, either at work or in the home, is one of the most common causes of stress. Stressful environments are minimized when you impose a form of structure: this offers security against problems appearing 'out-of-the-blue'.

Too inflexible a pattern would be impractical, but keeping a diary, writing lists and prioritizing duties all help to stem stressful situations. Writing down objectives, duties and activities helps to make them seem more tangible and surmountable. Don't try to overload your mind with too much information-if you are already stressed there is more chance of you forgetting vital references and data. If you keep control over what you are doing there is less chance of spiralling into professional and personal chaos.

There is an old saying that 'a problem shared is a problem halved'. People who keep things to themselves carry a considerable and unnecessary burden. Talking through a problem with others can be the first step to eliminating it. It is worth developing a support system-a few trusted relatives, colleagues or friends to talk to when you are upset or worried.

Often it's not events themselves that are stressful but how we perceive them. Another form of communication that may be helpful is writing, for example in a private journal at home, or even letters to oneself, which should then be destroyed. The value is in expressing the feelings and getting them out. Rereading the letter just reinforces the upset and reawakens the anger.

Humour

Humour is a wonderful stress-reducer and antidote to upsets, both at home and at work; we often laugh hardest when we have been feeling most tense. Laughter relieves muscular tension, improves breathing, regulates the heart beat and pumps endorphins-the body's natural painkillers-into the bloodstream.

Diversion and distraction

Take time out (anything from a short walk to a holiday) to get away from the things that are bothering you. This will not resolve the problem, but it gives you a break and a chance for your stress levels to decrease. Then, you can return to deal with issues feeling more rested and in a better frame of mind.